“People do what they do, based on the knowledge they have at the time.”- Oprah
I remember it clearly, it was a normal day at work. I glanced down as my phone beeped and the words screamed to me from my dad.
“Stupid 16-year-old girl, no one will ever marry you.”
Ouch. Of corse, the further plummeting of my almost non-existent self esteem at that time wasn’t too apparant, as I had developed an almost dissociative attitude towards my relationship with my father. But the words were there, and continued to run through my subconscious for years ahead, fueling irrational decisions and the inability to take care of myself emotionally. Pursuing toxic relationships, letting down boundaries, and becoming everyone’s ‘best friend’, of corse whilst neglecting myself in attempt to fill the void that had been created years ago.
But, we actually get on mutually now. I say mutually as the gift of forgiveness slowly made itself into my being. And in total honesty, it’s not something that’s easy. There comes a time where you have to force yourself to look at your patterns. Regardless of which stage in life, I was fortunate that my time was early, there will come a point where the pain your carrying can’t be solely due to being hurt, something has to change.
- Nobody is perfect, including our parents. Gazing up at our parents at a young age, their shit don’t stink. A child will take literally whatever the parent demonstrates to them, an example of love. Therefore what is taught to a child, either a healthy loving relationship or anxious neurotic, will literally be handed down as a gift. This was SO key to my awareness and opened my eyes to what I was taught, and unsurprisingly were apparent in my current relationships.
- It was soon after I ran into something called the Law of Attraction. In relevance, your vibrational frequency (consisting of your physical health, emotional and subconscious health and much more) sets a vibrational tone lets say. What you resonate frequency wise…you attract. Like a magnet! So it became in my best interest to pay attention to what was lurking in my energy field.
- Letting go. Life too short. This sounds blunt, but it’s the absolute truth. We can spend years ruminating, feeling angry and victimized, but this does nothing. There is no way of changing whats happened, its the past. This is by far the hardest realisation to grasp when facing the grief of an emotionally absent parent. Yet, tends to be the final hurdle to acceptance.
- Management. The past is gone, but there is still the future ahead. This varies and depends on your relationship with the person, and qualifies for all relationships. For some, cutting ties is the option they choose to maintain a healthy life. For others, learning how to set boundaries and maintaining a comfortable relationship whilst fulfilling your own happiness and self-love is the way to go. Whatever’s best for you.