The Inside Out

I’m not in a very peaceful place right now. As a matter of fact it kind of seems like a distant future or lost past to me. And boy do I not like that!! And I don’t understand it. I question it and I doubt myself. I think, “Maybe that’s not what He said to me.” And I worry that my decisions are all wrong. But I did find it interesting to see the things that God has done to try to alleviate that problem for me. And in all reality, I’m hoping that just typing them out should help me to realize that He is always working in ways I don’t see (at least when they are happening…hindsight’s 20/20 right?).

Friends

Isn’t it interesting that God surrounds you with the people who have just the right amount of encouragement, without letting you off the hook, when you’re making decisions? It cracks me up sometimes to think that a simple comment from a friend can seem like just a passing thought… until it smacks you in the head just a few hours later. And I mean really smacks. The kind of smack that hurts, till you realize it’s what you most needed, and that God had put that person there at just that moment because you needed them. God does love us so.

Music

God seems to have quite a handle on my playlist. I can go into a playlist with the intent on being as down on myself, woe is me, depressed, doubtful and questioning as one person can be…and He hits the shuffle. Really God, using an iPod??…that’s cool even for you. After that first leave-me-in-this-ditch song that I chose, God seems to find a way to put just the right song on there that I needed to hear. One that reminds me who I am in Him. One that reminds me who He is. One that says He’s right there and not about to let me down. Music is good for the soul.

Words

I am not overly regular with my daily devotionals. Which is a bummer. ‘Cause God’s got a plan in them and sometimes I miss out. But I’m never more than a few days behind and sometimes catch up is seriously effective too. So since we were out of town this weekend I decided to play catch up in the car on the way home today. And once again, God was ready. Here I spend day in and day out stressing about not having any peace about things and feeling up in the air on some stuff and worrying like crazy and every one of those days in my devotional was aimed at just those things. “Jesus Calling” Missed Day 1: “When things seem to be going all wrong, stop and affirm your trust in Me…leave them in My capable hands. Then simply do the next thing. Stay in touch with Me through thankful, trusting prayers…” Ok God, ya got my attention. I’m listening. “Jesus Calling” Missed Day 2: “Understanding will never bring you Peace. That’s why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not in your understanding…” Oh geez, SMACK. And to think I was supposed to hear that yesterday. Uggh. Then it goes on to talk about how humans have this ingrained pattern of trying to understand and figure out our problems and “gain a sense of mastery over our lives” by solving them. Then the world just lays another big issue on us and we are off on a vicious cycle again. Always searching for understanding instead of seeking Him. If I’d just go to Him with these things, He’d handle them and let me go on about my business at Peace with Him and with myself.

Understanding is overrated.

Peace is not a goal, its a gift. And I’m going to go bask in it.

I finished a book this past weekend that really made me think…no not one I was given to review, but it was the Barnes and Noble free book of the week awhile back so lets pretend I could actually be a book editor or reviewer for Barnes and Noble…it could happen!!! Anyway the awesome book was called Rooms by James L. Rubart. This book sort of stalked me until I bought it. I had already noticed it at Lifeway and was planning to see if it had been released as an eBook (it’s like I have completely stopped reading anything not an ebook yet…). Then like 2 days later it was the free Friday book for the Nook. OK, OK…I’ll read it. One of the descriptions of the book was “Ted Dekker meets The Shack.” Love both of those so I dove in. Without giving away the plot too much there is an awesome story of a man finding out who he really is, and who he really wants to be…and it’s not an easy journey, just like it is for the rest of us. There’s a portion of the book where the guy is talking to himself…except “himself” talks back in an audible way – strange, I know, but it made me think about something: What am I saying to myself, inside my head, that I’m actually listening to…and how much of it isn’t true and isn’t from God?

Take that in…is there stuff in my head, that I firmly believe, that isn’t true?

Yeah…there is! And how much of it am I listening to?

I’ve been trying to be more regular about journaling and really trying to think through that and to be honest, it’s hard. It’s hard to rethink what I’m thinking when there’s no one else hearing it, critiquing it, and talking me through it. And that’s probably the place I need the most work. Depending on others to talk me through stuff. This is the kind of work you have to do yourself cause no one else even knows it’s in there! For me it means more time with God cause He does know what’s in there. The good part is that equals more running! And I’ve come to realize that means getting up early before the rest of my perfect little people get up! And for me, that’s hard too! I love my sleep…but I love time with God more so I’m going to start next week really trying to do better about that! So, any advice here on getting up early would be beautiful (not before 6am…nothing good happens after midnight or before 6am…it’s true.).

How do you listen to God? How do you know what you hear from yourself is right? And how do you mesh all that together?

It’s been a Needtobreathe kind of week. As in, since we bought their new album, The Outsiders, I think I’ve listened to it a million times. And this week that’s all I’ve listened to. If I still bought CDs, this one would be worn out. My kids are even singing “We are the outsiders” as we drive around. Not sure they know what that means but they know the words! Every song on this album has something that has hit me at different points while I’m listening to it but this week it was Through Smoke. What a song. The lyrics are always the most important part of music for me (unless it’s Dave Mathews Band…) but Needtobreathe’s lyrics are the icing on their musical cake. Here’s the lyrics to the song: (And Click Here for a listen…you won’t be disappointed.)

Before the Truth will come to fill our eyes
The world comes down in the form of fire
And when the answers and the Truth
have cut their ties

Will you still find Me
Will you still see Me
Through smoke, through smoke

I was born in a house in a town just like your own
I was raised to believe in the power of the unknown
‘Cause when the answers and the Truth
take different sides

Will you still find Me
Will you still see Me
Through smoke, through smoke

When their whispers
have painted pictures
that make you doubt what you once believed in
Paper stories
that hide the Glory
to keep us searching
Through smoke

Who do you believe when you can’t get through
When everything you know seems so untrue
When I’m lost in a place that I thought I knew
Give me some way that I might find You…..

Through smoke.

Like I said. What a song. What do you do when you can’t see Him for the smoke? Through the people, through the problems, through the mess of life. When the world comes down in the form of fire…when you feel lost, do you still ache to see Him?