The Inside Out

I finished a book this past weekend that really made me think…no not one I was given to review, but it was the Barnes and Noble free book of the week awhile back so lets pretend I could actually be a book editor or reviewer for Barnes and Noble…it could happen!!! Anyway the awesome book was called Rooms by James L. Rubart. This book sort of stalked me until I bought it. I had already noticed it at Lifeway and was planning to see if it had been released as an eBook (it’s like I have completely stopped reading anything not an ebook yet…). Then like 2 days later it was the free Friday book for the Nook. OK, OK…I’ll read it. One of the descriptions of the book was “Ted Dekker meets The Shack.” Love both of those so I dove in. Without giving away the plot too much there is an awesome story of a man finding out who he really is, and who he really wants to be…and it’s not an easy journey, just like it is for the rest of us. There’s a portion of the book where the guy is talking to himself…except “himself” talks back in an audible way – strange, I know, but it made me think about something: What am I saying to myself, inside my head, that I’m actually listening to…and how much of it isn’t true and isn’t from God?

Take that in…is there stuff in my head, that I firmly believe, that isn’t true?

Yeah…there is! And how much of it am I listening to?

I’ve been trying to be more regular about journaling and really trying to think through that and to be honest, it’s hard. It’s hard to rethink what I’m thinking when there’s no one else hearing it, critiquing it, and talking me through it. And that’s probably the place I need the most work. Depending on others to talk me through stuff. This is the kind of work you have to do yourself cause no one else even knows it’s in there! For me it means more time with God cause He does know what’s in there. The good part is that equals more running! And I’ve come to realize that means getting up early before the rest of my perfect little people get up! And for me, that’s hard too! I love my sleep…but I love time with God more so I’m going to start next week really trying to do better about that! So, any advice here on getting up early would be beautiful (not before 6am…nothing good happens after midnight or before 6am…it’s true.).

How do you listen to God? How do you know what you hear from yourself is right? And how do you mesh all that together?

Sorry for the enormous blogging hiatus …when my training got more intense for the half marathon, somehow my blogging dropped to the back burner! I am going to do my best to do better!

But since we are talking about the half marathon, I learned a couple of things about myself in the process of this training and running. The biggest of those things being this: I am a complete and utter ANTISOCIAL RUNNER. Yes, I should have learned this in the Cooper River Bridge Run when there were 45,000 people there, but it took the Nashville Country Music Half Marathon to prove it to myself. I laughed at the weather forecast that read: “Heavy thunderstorms, severe lightning, LARGE hail and tornadoes.” I wasn’t even that bothered by the 7 hour trip there and back. And I loved the Expo experience (yes, all those people were there too, but they didn’t bother me there!). When I got out on the streets (after a quick potty jaunt to Starbucks…you have no idea how glad I was that it was right beside the start line…thank you Starbucks!!) I thought that at some point the people would spread out. No chance. I felt more like I was trying to get down the football field with an entire football team in my way. I never put my headphones in because I was too afraid I wouldn’t hear someone around me (but the music on course was pretty neat).By the time I hit mile 7 I was just agitated…and I exhaled it in one huge breath when I told Scott to “Shut up” and that “I didn’t want to run with him anymore” and that “he should just go one ahead.” I felt better after I screamed at him, but that was really not very nice. No worries, I apologized at mile 10 and all is good now. Here’s my poor husband who was trying to be supportive and was already running much slower than his pace to stay with me, and I totally attacked him. He knew I wasn’t really upset with him, just uncomfortable and unable to really run.

After the race, I of course felt fantastic and accomplished and all the pumped up adrenaline you can feel after running your first half marathon in a 2:30:16, but that’s when it hit me. My running isn’t about me. My running is my time for worship and communication with God. It’s a time when what goes in my ears is worshipful adoration for a loving Father. And what comes out is my heartfelt gratitude for Him. We solve problems together on my runs. We chat like the buddies that we are. And that is where I can hear Him best…and He’s inspiring and encouraging and I have Him all to myself. And if there are thousands upon thousands of people around (WITH COWBELLS NO LESS!)…that’s going to be seriously hard to do.

I think next time I do a half marathon…yes, I said I was going to do it again…I just need to adjust my mindset about it. I need to go into it with the knowledge that that little bit of time isn’t like my normal runs, it’s about a personal accomplishment I’d like to have off my bucket list. He’s still going to be there, but it’s not going to be one of “our moments”. Like the difference in a concert with my husband, and a quiet dinner just the two of us. Then the real reality hit me when I went out for my first run after the 1/2:

On the next Monday morning,

when I go back out,

just me,

by myself,

God will be there…

and He will tell me how proud He is that I gave it my best.

Today was the half way mark in my training for the half marathon and God presented me with a 70 degree day in February! Only in SC. Apparently that made anyone and everyone show up at my favorite running spot today! The fam and I headed to Riverfront park about 2:30 with a billion other people. We couldn’t even find a parking place! Scott and the kids were going to bike ride so I took off and they planned to catch up as soon as they could.

There’e been a lot of talk about treadmill running and outdoor running lately, particularly from Runner’s World. Right when I started running, I remembered the twitter that I recently saw from Cool Running kind of asking the question: What’s the difference to you in a treadmill run vs. outdoors and why you like one or the other. And today I answered that for myself:

PEOPLE.

This isn’t a technical, logical or even scientific answer, but  that is definitely my answer! Now, I’ve been confined to the treadmill for several weeks because of the cold or finding the time to run, so I was starting to really enjoy my ‘mill. I was kickin’ out some decent runs and catching up on episodes of Lost…all was good! But today’s weather was way perfect and drew me outside for my long run! As I got started there was this girl running in front of me, going what I would call “slow” (she was probably flying but she looked like she was slow to me!). And she had next to nothing on. And was covered in tattoos. Now please don’t think I’m judging cause I’m not against tattoos at all! But these were the things that were defining the skinny mini in front of me – and she was challenging me some. So I said ok…I’ll try to pass her. At this point my ipod was blasting a little Addison Road This Could be Our Day and I’m thinking “Yeah, my day…I’m rockin’!” So about a mile or so later I pass her, then I walk and she passes me, then I realize she’s wearing makeup and dangling earrings and I’m even more motivated to top this person I’ve never even met…and I pass her again. She’s probably the nicest, best friend, spreading the love of Jesus to the world and feeding starving people girl around…but today she was my nemesis. Then Man-who-Runs-So-Fast-I-Look-Like-I’m-Standing-Still passes me. Ugh. So, Riverfront ends at the clever little dam that creates a beautiful waterfall and since I’m ahead of Girl-Who-Runs-With-Tats. All is good. I ran the little bridge at the end and started my turn around to head back and I realize…she turned early. That’s cheating! She didn’t even go to the end of the trail! Oh no she didn’t! And now, we’re running. Christy Nockels is egging me on with Let My Life Light Up and I’m on fire! Fire I tell you! And U2 tells me the Streets Have No Name (I’m secretly wishing it had been Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For to keep me going but I’m just lettin’ it play!). But my perspective gets a little changed. I start noticing the kids and the puppies on the path today, the bikes and the birds. Then I pass Kid-With-Too-Much-Static-in-His-Hair and giggle a bit. Then I see my family and my baby boy who is riding his two wheel bike like the big boy he is, and he’s smiling at me. Huge smile. Yes it’s only mile 4 but I’m feeling much better! After a little family love I follow them out. And I pass the bridge that the homeless people live under. And all their stuff that’s usually there is gone. Perspective change #2. What a silly thing I am to be worrying about some girl when there are people with no homes, no nothing, right next to where I am. And Steve Fee reminds me, Glory to God Forever.

People surround you when you run outside, and they have the ability to effect your run – good or bad, but that’s up to you. So I ran the longest I ever have before today. 6 miles. In an hour and 6 minutes. Not bad for a girl who’s only been training for 2 months! But I owe a thanks to the pretty girl who made me work for it today. Hope you finished well today, Girl-Who-Kept-Me-Going. Thanks.